My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Randomize
