i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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