Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
Life is so much better after having sex.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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