i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize
