I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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