A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
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