haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I'm drive I can fine osifer
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Randomize
