btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
