well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
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