Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Randomize
