im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
