I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize
