Your face is a jimmy john
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
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