Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Hello my rib-scented angel!
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Randomize
