I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
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