I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Randomize
