My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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