I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
I booty called her while she was in labor.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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