I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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