And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Randomize
