I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Randomize
