I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
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