Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
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