he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
She has the best kind of daddy issues
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
Randomize
