my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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