I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
