I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Randomize
