The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Randomize
