Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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