Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
