drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
two words: eviction party
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
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