i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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