i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Randomize
