No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
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