Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
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She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
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There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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