Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
Randomize
