No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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