she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
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