I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
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