Tell her she can't have a vagina
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Randomize
