Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize
