he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
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