who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
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