the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
my being single is dangerous.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Randomize
