I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I intend to get homeless drunk
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
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