Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
