Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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