Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
