Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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