I'd wear matching sweaters with you
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
Randomize
