Are we in a gay sports bar?
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
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