Im at strip club and am horny
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
