At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
