we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
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