you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
