You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
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