Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
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