I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
